(Journal entry last Dec 2010)
Like any other kid, I wanted to be a lot of things. First, I wanted to be a medical doctor. With the idea of having to cure illnesses and save lives was something most Pinoy kids had in mind. Until I grew up and I realized that it wasn’t my dream after all. Yes, it was more like my parents’. They had it instilled in me so much that I carried it until high school. But before I segue to the complexities of puberty, let’s go back to the innocence of childhood.
Then I wanted to be an archaeologist. I remember it took me some time and effort in perfecting how it’s spelled: ARCHAEOLOGY/ARCHAEOLOGIST. Never mind if I could enunciate it correctly or not (spelling bees were more kickass back in the days). I wanted it so bad that at one summer I buried myself with the 30-volume set of encyclopedia we had, almost every afternoon. Consequently, this fueled my gusto for information and love for reading. But then I realized I had stopped playing and going out. And that I was missing a lot of good old summer fun: the warmth of the midday sun; the rumble of steps during “bulan-bulan” or “langit-lupa”; the intensity to run across the lines uncaught or untouched in “patintero”; the clanking sound of a dilapidated tin can every time a worn-out “spartan tsinelas (or tsanilas in bisaya)” tumbles it, and so on. I was missing out the so-called “batang-kalye” life. Moreover, I was practically missing out being a KID. So at one point, I decided to lay down the books and leave all the learning and reading in school.
Then, thanks to the technology that was “the walkman” and “the component” (insert cassette tape and 5 in 1 VCD player), I got engrossed to music – And I loved it. In fact, today I had personified music and made it one of my friends and confidante. Yes, I did dream of being a musician not realizing that I had it in me. My mom plays the guitar and along with her siblings, was part of the “combo” back during hippie days. On the other side, my dad, let’s just say has an unrequited love for music. So like most Pinoys, musicality to me was and is inherent. At first it was just appreciation. Learning all the genres, musical legends, current trends and all that then ALAS! I discovered I can sing. My supportive folks were so into the idea of siblings in a band (insert The Carpenters and Jackson Five) and had us took formal lessons. I took piano and voice lessons, which had apparently lasted for only 2 months. NOT MY FAULT. My piano teacher (my voice coach, too) kept on (lightly) slapping my finger with a ruler every time I hit a wrong key. So as I was already anti-violence at that young, I told my mom I will no longer finish it and I’ll just forget my dreams of going to Julliard, Berkeley or NYU conservatory of music before finally debuting in Carnegie Hall (yes, I had always been a big time dreamer).
So, many summer and school years past, and playmates and co-kids were hitting on puberty fast; the days of play had slowly gone by. Replaced with busy days of confusion over a roll-on or rub-on deodorant, shaving facial hair (oh wait, I never had any), smelling good (always do till now), looking good (let’s not discuss how pip squeak looking I was) and then flirting – the oldest, living sport of all time. But let’s not go there. That deserves another story in itself.
So high school was rowdy yet it was bliss at the same time and in between those days of pimples, ghetto clothes and slick, spiky hair, I was beguiled by the exquisite world of ART. I started drawing Japanese mangga/anime (insert Ghost Fighter, Dragonball Z, Samurai X and etc.), then as I went to college my inclination also graduated to landscapes, concept painting, photography, mixed media, literature, art films and almost everything about the FINE ARTS. I was aware that I wasn’t really good but hey, I made an impression AND reputation (I did win some visual arts contests you know). Like music, I didn’t know we also had art running in the family gene. My mother told that I had 2 uncles who were the something-of-the-someone of a famous painter (remind me again who, mom). Of course I was doubtful but hey, it’s my mom.
The Arts for me was literally and figuratively an eye-opener. And with music, I have since treated both as brothers in arms. I love how it imitates life (or vice-versa) and how it is twice removed from reality (hello Plato!). But more than anything else, I am captivated by the aesthetics; there is difference yet there is always coherence; there is diversity but there is harmony; it’s multi-dimensional but it functions and affects as one.
I never dreamed of becoming an artist though. It was just more of a hobby to me. Besides, I know I’ll never make it. See, when you grow up and discover the world, you realize that you can never BE everything or have everything. But I never stop on dreaming – or chasing dreams. And I guess I never will, regardless of how many failed and broken dreams I had in the past. It always paints a smile on my face every time I reminisce on those dreams and how I futilely tried making them into reality. I get discouraged but I pick myself up and move on. Life is indeed hit or miss. What matters is that you keep on shooting.
Wait, I just realized, I was NOT like any other kid today. I was (and still am) a big dreamer – with eyes and ears wide open. Perhaps, the kids of today can learn a thing or two about the kids that we simply were back in the days. The “sosyal” (insert nouveau riche) might disagree but let’s have them kids now put down their ipads, psp’s and other self-confining gadgets and have them play “taya” or “taguan” and run around safely in neighborhood “kalye’s”. Let’s have them lie on grass, stare at the summer sky then close their eyes, imagine and DREAM.
And as for me, there’s more of life that I still dream about (Insert to be a ninja assassin, a vampire and superhero, etc). But I am coping up with living in reality now. And dreaming has to be left at least during sleep time to make way for life in the “real” world. Someday soon, I will travel the world – The one thing I always dream about now. Or better yet, gyrate ala boy band-dance-moves on international TV and be a POPSTAR. Just kidding...
and DREAMING.
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