Life - Or lack thereof, at 25

(Journal Entry last May 2011)

Here goes nothing…

I haven’t really been myself these past months or perhaps these past few years.

Although my usual zest for life still seems apparent, I actually feel tired, restless and exhausted at the same time. I am in this world but I feel I’ve gotten disconnected. I’ve lost focus, gotten off- track and now settles for the dismal comfort of mediocrity. I hate to admit that I am lonely because I actually am not – or, maybe there lies the problem: Denial.

“Age is just a state of mind” - I used to say, until I realized it slowly is taking its toll. Never mind back pains and all that old-age sickness, not there yet. I JUST turned twenty-five. And so I tell myself. The thing is, I know it’s relatively young but I feel otherwise.

“If only I could turn back the hands of time” - I bet we all want to.  I say this to myself whenever I badly miss something or someone:  Friends, family, my past bohemian life and what-have-I’s. I say this too, whenever I look back to the friendships and relationships that had gotten sour or lost due to foolish mistakes.  Let’s be honest, although should have, could have and would have may be the last words of a fool (that, as the song goes), there are indeed many things we want to re-do or undo from our pasts.

“Life is full of choices” - I hear it a lot and I do agree. There is always a sacrifice in every choice we make. But how do we know that we made the right one?  I know that mistakes oftentimes make us stronger, but what if we had chosen the non-mistake? Could life have been better? Could we have been stronger?  I am only left to ponder.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going to. Not with my life or with what I’m ranting about. I haven’t even been writing for a long time. I am in dire need to read and reflect, and Music – the one thing I rely on for such uneasy and discomforting times is not even enough to console me. Is it bad?  Have I gone totally lost or perhaps, had fallen far behind? They say that the fastest horse on earth would never reach its potentials until put on the right track. But who determines the right track?

Everything is all a blur. I have too many questions and what’s sad is that I used to find the answers. I’ve been telling myself that I need to start over.  But looking back, I think I might have never really started with life. Maybe because I never had tough issues growing up so I don’t suppose I have stood the “tests of life”. I admire (real) people whose life stories could earn an episode for any a primetime drama.  I get inspired on how they’ve hurdled on their own storms. It’s like their life stories are my own personal soap opera. I guess now I am in my own shallow, self-inflicted and ho-hum drama.

Sigh. TWENTY FIVE – When it’s not just a number anymore. But rather a long list of petty regrets and then some, when it has been a meander bus ride passing through curbs and slopes. And now I am stuck here in this bus stop of nowhere, in this limbo, in this milestone of existence. And I guess this is what you call a quarter-life crisis.