Separation Anxiety (12/07/11)

              “Knowing when to leave may be the smartest thing anyone can learn” 

                                                               – Burt Bacharach

I have been dilly-dallying on my resignation and I need to settle it fast. Seeing people in the office do it with such a breeze I thought it was just easy. I have long thought of this and I know I am decided but here I am having a hard time telling it to my boss. Should I break it gently or should I drop the bomb, ala strike-and-shock SWAT style? I don’t actually know. I guess I haven’t mustered up enough balls to do either. I feel like dancing the tango with this dilemma, gliding to but with sudden pauses in between. Honestly, I fear what lies ahead: Unemployment. It’s not like I can’t get another job but it’s actually the feeling of starting over again I fear most. No, it is the feeling of letting go I fear the most. And I have yet to admit it and I have yet to live with it. I know it is part of the decision. It is part of life. 

This is - and soon to be was, my first job and I have learned to love it over the four years and eight months, everything from the most beautiful and fun part of it down to the very worst. For the longest time I have identified myself with this job and now I am removing myself from it. This never really was my plan but I guess life made me detour from the road I did plan to take. I was supposed to take up master’s degree and then teach but I shunned the idea in exchange for independence. I thought if I’d continue studying, I’d still be under the support of my parents and I didn’t want that. I wanted to be free away from their responsibility on me as I was old and able enough. I wanted to be responsible for myself. And I got it. I lived with it and will live for it. Funny how with that decision, I was not afraid to let go of all the comforts of being under parental care. Maybe maturity does work wonders. 

But this time, it’s a different case and I’m at a different, older age. It’s not just the job I’m letting go but the life I have had over these years. And I would say that this was my first take, first step at life. This was my first slice, out from a whole lemon cake. I guess what pains me the most is letting go of the relationship I have with the people. For me, they’re never just office-mates. They’re FRIENDS. You spend almost the whole day with them, even after office hours, even on rest days. There’s a lot of them  that I haven’t really talked that much to, some others I would like to be friends with (and prove I’m not a snob contrary to my rep in the office) and people I haven’t really said anything to. I have always been the one to value friendship the most and it’s a pain that I might not see these people for a long time or maybe never will. I love and have been loved by them. I’ll definitely miss the chit-chats in between work, the morning and evening greetings, the rumors, the office fashion, the flirting, the bloopers and the list goes on and on. BUT I have to leave and I know this is the right and smart thing to do. Perhaps, the smartest decision I have made all these care-free years. I know I deserve this break. 

I’ll miss everything and everyone. And I HOPE they will miss me, too.